The story of the banana boat

It was last summer in the land of the bullet proof vests, when my friends and i went to the beach just a day before leaving for home. The hero that i am who can’t swim for nuts happily ran towards the water and remained like a quiet drenched rat in the shallow part. Finally i decided to get some floating lessons from my friends which were  of no use. I still couldnt float. My best friend Ric, tried teaching me how to swim but i ended up doing some nonsense instead..somehow i was doing some stunts but not moving much…So there i was dancing in the sea when we all decided to go on the banana boat..Again missy raced to the boat and sat right in front like a queen all set waiting…Everyone got seated and the boat took off….it was really fun at first but then…..it started going faster and the water began to splash on my face..i couldnt breath and started screaming for them to stop..on top of it ,one of them had to elbow my poor nose…the engine was really loud that it kind of drowned me screaming like a banshee…there i was with one hand hanging on for dear life and the other holding my nose thinking thats it..i’m probably going to suffocate and die…finally! they heard me and stopped the boat and i switched places with my friend…i used him as a shield this time….hahah. They stopped in the middle of the sea, evryone jumped off the boat with their lifejackets on…it seemed like fun so i had to jump in as well only because Ric was there as my lifeguard…but of course..i had to get scared thinking i was going to drown even with a lifejacket on!…He told me to  swim but i was too busy screaming (meanwhile imagination going wild..jaws muching on my leg from below)…”Swim!! u have to swim!”..i was clinging on to Ric like Ross’ monkey Marcel..One of the boat people saw and swam over to help unclaw me from him and ”drag” me back to the boat. So i sat quietly on the banana boat looking very traumatised and pitiful. Ric felt bad for being harsh…but then again,i wasnt even allowing him to swim…So finally we went back to shore…i was scared one there but was the last to come out of the water in the end..(not to mention i even picked up some ‘ floating treasure’ that didnt even belong to me and buried it..thinking it was mine!!)..i went back to my hostel all tanned from being sunburnt and packed my bags to go home. It was an awsome trip with my friends!

Hello..can I speak to Micheal, Mike ar?Mike?Eh..who are you?

For the past week or so, i’ve been getting phone calls from this unknown company looking for someone called Micheal Chia or Cheah or whatever you wish to call it. I think I’ve spoken to a receptionist, a department manager, a secretary, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker and some countless number of executives thus far. So for the first few days, everytime I get a call from them, I would politely explain that I am not this Micheal guy and I do not work for them and that I am a student and I don’t appreciate getting disturbed in the middle of a lecture by people trying to arrange mettings and complaining about faulty machines.

From all the phone calls I’ve been getting, I have deduced that this Micheal fella is probably the Maintenance Department head or something.

This is how I see it, in the phone switchboard, my number has been programmed to Micheal’s extention number, so everytime you think you’re calling Micheal, the call get’s routed to me. Now it doesn’t take rocket science to tell you that when you hear someone else rather than Micheal on the phone, you have probably reached the wrong number. I have explained so many times to all these people but they just don’t seem to get it. Come on, how hard is it to go down to the reception switchboard and reprogram the numbers. So it has come to a point where now, if they can’t accept the fact that I AM NOT MICHEAL, I’ve decided to take on the roll of being Micheal.

There’s this one time, the receptionist called me and said that the Boss want’s to have a personal meeting with Micheal (now somebody must be in trouble) It was Friday morning 9am and the meeting was supposed to be at 9.30am, so this was my reply to her, “Tell boss that i’m busy, can we reschedule? I’ll call him”, she got a shock, i’m guessing that the meeting was already set and that she’s just confirming my attendence. Well i didn’t cal Boss, coz I don’t have his number, hope he’s not waiting for me. Too bad for Boss, looks like Micheal has to finish his tutorial and can’t attend meeting or else he’ll lose his 3% of his internal marks…Sorry Boss.

The second time, it was a Sunday. Apparently some machine on some assembly line broke down and needed attention, so ”who ya gonna call” (with The Ghostbusters theme song in the background playing), Micheal of course. So the call came to ME around 3pm while I was just chilling with my cousin. “Hello, Micheal ah? Mr. Micheal, the #$@%$%%32!% (some gibberish machine name i couldn’t understand) machine break down already, since yesterday. Now marketing says cannot delay shipment, must fix today. How ah?” Now firstly, if the machine was down yesterday, why call me now (not that I care, after all I AM NOT MICHEAL!) But for the sake of humor, I said i’ll deal with in on Monday (which was a public holiday). With ghast, he (the caller who must have been the production supervisor) said , “Nooooooo cannot like that, aiyo, die lar. Marketing say cannot delay already, Maybe I call Seah (must be a technician from maintenance) to come in but don’t if today he can work onot (or not)”. To which I decided to be asssertive as the Maintanence department head and replied, “You call who ever you need to, tell them Mike asked to come in, OT, or double pay don’t care. I authorize…”. Kudos to me for flexing officin’ powers. The production supervisor was excited, I could hear by the tone of his voice, well at least I made his day i hope. As far as Seah is concerned, sorry buddy, Sunday also must go back to work.(I would want to throw my head back and laugh extreamly loud but then again, I was only doing “my work”)

I can’t believe how ignorant people can be. This is a  company that is doing real company stuff and of all the times I’ve told them to mend their evil ways and stop harrassing me, they just refuse to. Therefore I have resorted to this guerilla type tactics to teach these people a lesson. I’m sorry Micheal, I tried to tell your people but they are just plain..(insert adjective here)…I don’t know what to say already!

The next time the receptionist calls me, I’m gonna flirt with her and ask her out, I really hope Micheal or the receptionist is not married. In fact, from now, if I get a call from any male person from the office, I’m gonna flirt with them too. Got to look on the bright side of things rite? Time to have some fun and not let this get to me aye!

Deer Attack

Deer Elle,

I dreamt I was at the zoo near the deer enclosure. The viewing deck was above and the deer were down below. My teacher’s kid had a weather-vane type toy which she dropped accidently into the enclosure. I – being a typical hero – climbed down to get it. But before I could climb back up, the deer started charging at me. I tried to scare it off with the weather vane but it did nothing to stop the deer. It bit me on the hand. I’ve had this dream 3 times. What does this mean?

-Jeff, the god of biscuits

Dear Jeff,

Well, firstly it appears that you have a healthy sense of god-complex. Even though deer are sweet-natured creatures for the most part, the public are generally not allowed to mix and mingle with any animal within an enclosure. Having said that, the transformation of the deer in your dream from one of docility to hostility does seem to warn you to assess your targets before you act. Perhaps you could do well to choose your battles wisely. Something harmless on the surface could quite as easily turn out to be carnivorous. Or it could be as simple as a warning to stay away from all deer in real life. Do consider staying away from sheep too; they could be wolves.

-Elle